I was going to just go to bed, but decided to do some exercise afterall. It’s not much, but I started lifting a quart of paint. (haha) It weighed 3 lbs and I lifted it 100 times on each arm…I was really feeling it at the end, especially in my left arm.

So, at least I did something tonight instead of just…nothing.

I am just pure exhausted today. Lack of caffeine is really, really affecting my energy level, but I haven’t had a Pepsi since Sunday so it’s worth it. We’re having lasagna (Stouffers) for dinner tonight and I plan to hit the sack early. I’d like to get up early tomorrow to go sign up at the gym and start on the treadmill before work. I’m NOT a morning person, so it’s going to take real effort on my part to accomplish that.

Foodwise, I’m surprising myself. I haven’t cheated at all. Well, I haven’t really set any rules for myself, so how could I really “cheat”? Speaking of rules, I read an excellent blog post today about decisions and setting boundaries. I’ll post more about that tomorrow when I’m hopefully not this tired, but it got me thinking about my “plan” and what boundaries I want to set for myself.

Today went well, I suppose, other than the fact I was incredibly tired all day. (Lack of caffeine I’m sure!) I had a lot of running around to do on my lunch hour today (bank, gas, post office, take something to Madelyn’s school) so I just stopped and picked up a sub from Subway for lunch. It was so gooooood. I was stressing though because I needed to stop somewhere really quick, but I knew I didn’t want “fast food”. Then I saw Subway and I thought that was a good compromise. For the record, I usually order a 12″ Subway Club on parmesan bread with all the fixins and oil and vinegar and a bag of chips. Today? I had a 6″ ham and turkey on wheat with no dressing, cheese, or chips and you know what? I left JUST AS SATISFIED as I ever did eating the 12″!

When I got back to the office I got a killer, killer headache. I know it’s from not having Pepsi (caffeine withdrawals). Ughhh. I MUST remember to take some Advil to work tomorrow just in case I get another one.

I went grocery shopping tonight also and got a lot of really ‘good’ food. Apples, broccoli, carrots, etc. I also got some things that I can start eating for breakfast. I never, ever eat breakfast, and I know I should! So, I got some Nutri-Grain bars, yogurt, etc that I can have before work every morning to start my day off right.

I didn’t go to the gym tonight either. I think I’m just going to wait until Christina gets back from NY so I don’t have to go alone. (<—-see, there goes me and my excuses!)

Well, I can barely keep my eyes open (I’m really, really jonesing for some Pepsi…), so good night.

As humiliating as this is – here are the pictures taken of me tonight. I took other shots that I just can’t bring myself to post yet (showing bare belly). Maybe once I lose a little I will feel more comfortable posting them, but for now, it’s taking all the courage I have to post these for the world to see.

Yeah, so that’s what I’ve been doing to my body for the last 35 years. Here’s hoping the next 35 won’t be so brutal.

Darren cooked this great Stir-Fry tonight! I went all googly-eyed trying to figure out how many calories, fat, etc was in it. I’m gonna hafta do some research into that because I’m clueless. As fat as I am, and as many diets as I’ve “tried” over the years, I’ve never counted calories. Hard to believe, really! So, yeah, I did my best guess on a few ingredients (such as the meat, onions, and tomatoes) and hopefully it’ll get easier with time.

I didn’t go to the gym tonight like I had planned, and I feel crummy about it. No need to even tell you the 101 excuses I made in my mind, I think it just boils down to me being scared. Scared of being made fun of or laughed at. Scared of falling down on the treadmill, or off the bike. Just…scared.

Maybe tomorrow. Other than that I had a good first day…no soda, no fast food, and no headache – YET.

So I joined SparkPeople yesterday. It seems real confusing at first glance. Just so much information being blasted at me at once, but I’m sure I’ll get the hang of it. I’m going down the “Getting Started” checklist in my profile and figured I’d share some of it here.

These are the goals that the site set up for me:

The first one my “Fast Break Goals” are the only ones I entered in, the rest were automatically configured by SparkPeople. I don’t know what their methodology is and why they gave me these goals, but we’ll see. Like I said, their site is really busy with so many different options, trackers, etc. but I have heard a lot of very good things about it, so I’m willing to give it a try.

Went on a mission today to find some work out clothes, including a good sports bra. More like Mission Impossible! My first stop was Fashion Bug, one of the few stores I can actually find clothes that fit that don’t look like old lady clothes. They had NO workout clothes at all. I guess being a plus-size store it wouldn’t be too profitable for them if their customer base started working out and losing weight…hmmm.

So we headed to Wal-Mart. Oh there were plenty of work out clothes at Wal-Mart, just none even remotely close to my size.

Ok, let’s go to Target. Same thing. Tons of stuff-none my size.

So, we headed next door to Sports Authority. Surely they would have sports bras bigger than size L. Nope. Surely they didn’t!

How frustrating! People of my size are the ones who NEED this stuff, yet it’s nowhere to be found. I guess I’ll just have to search online, but I hate ordering clothes without being able to try on first. Hopefully I’ll find a place with a really good return/exchange policy just in case. It’s so frustrating being fat!

In other news, I’m super excited because I got a certificate for a free month at Tags Gym from my mom today! So, tomorrow it begins, and believe it or not, I can’t wait!

Found this neat online weight tracker at Skinnyr.com:

Looks pretty bare right now, but hopefully once I start making progress you’ll see a line going down, and down, and down….
You can sign up at Skinnyr for free and get the basic chart or register for premium membership @ $12/yr (like I did) to get all the bells and whistles (trend graphs, mobile access, etc). Seems like a pretty neat tool!

I got a scale tonight with my birthday money from Bobbie!

It’s a Health-O-Meter Model BFM884-60 that tracks Weight, Body Fat, Hydration Level, BMI, and Bone Mass for up to four users. It was $34.99 from Wal-Mart.

Curiosity got the best of me and I just had to try it out. I was actually very pleasantly surprised by my current weight. I thought I was about 10 lbs heavier than I actually am! These were my stats as of this evening:

Weight: 256.6 lbs
Body Fat: 55.6%
Hydration: 32.4%
Bone Mass: 5.6
BMI: 44.9

Yeah, so, that’s that. My “unofficial” (since I’m not starting my diet till Monday) starting weight is 256.6 lbs and my BMI is 44.9. The reality of being morbidly obese -and what that means by its very definition- is really beginning to sink in.

Here I sit just 4 days before this “diet” begins and I’m already nervous and scared. Nervous I’ll fail (yet again) and scared to do so publicly. So, Monday it will begin. I chose Monday because that will be my 35th birthday and what better gift could I give myself than the gift of a longer, healthier, happier life? I didn’t want to launch this blog until Day 1, but as the day approaches I’m experiencing so many thoughts and feelings that I just wanted to go ahead and jot some of them down.

I’ll start with a list of things I want to accomplish by losing the weight. I told myself I was going to be brutally honest on this thing, so here’s your warning if some of this stuff is TMI.

I want to…

…tuck my shirt in
…wear a belt
…run a marathon
…be able to cross my legs
…wear bathing suit in public, without a cover up
…no longer have a double chin
…have better posture
…be able to tie my shoes with ease
…ride bikes with my girls
…eat without having food fall into my boobs, everytime
…have more energy
…run a mile
…be O.K. getting my picture taken
…buy clothes from a regular store
…wear a pretty, sexy bra
…wear white
…go grocery shopping without feeling like everyone is looking at what the “fat girl” is buying
…inspire my children
…avoid heart disease
…prevent getting bra strap indentions in my shoulders
…get approved for health insurance
…feel comfortable in my own skin
…walk stairs without getting winded
…order/buy clothes without having to trying on first
…throw my granny panties away and get some sexy, feminine ones
…avoid diabetes
…wear single digit pants size
…stand and wash dishes without lower back pain