Remember the other day when I was talking about emotions? and how I could no longer pretend like my weight-loss journey was merely a physical challenge unaffected by anything mental or emotional? Well, today was very tumultuous for me, both physically and mentally. So, here I am tonight, entering brand new territory on my blog as I share some of the innermost thoughts I had today.

For some reason, I woke up and felt very heavy. I don’t know how well I can explain this feeling, but I’ll try. Since I started working out and increasing my strength and endurance, I’ve noticed that I walk around a little taller. A little more confident. A little faster. A little lighter. On those days I feel strong and capable and my presence reflects that. Today was the opposite and I don’t know why, but I just felt sluggish, incompetent, weak, and for lack of a better word, heavy. As a result, loads of self doubt crept in and I was asking myself questions like “who are you kidding? you really think that you will ever be able to run a marathon?” All day I found myself looking down at my belly rolls and thinking how delusional I was to ever think that someday they wouldn’t be there. I’m an all or nothing kind of gal and I just kept telling myself that even IF I get down to my goal weight I will still have rolls of loose skin, stretch marks, etc. I must have went to the restroom 10 times during the work day just to look at my face up close in the mirror investigating new lines that seem to have appeared overnight. Are they a result of the weight I’ve lost so far? Will they get worse as I lose more like I’ve seen on other women who’ve lost a lot of weight? (Like Tracy, from the BL last season) Would I be better off staying fat so that at least the skin on my face will stay smooth for a few more years? Then I’d look down at my feet in frustration at just how ugly they looked today. I used to love the way my feet looked in sandals, but now I just have fat, old lady feet that are all hardened on the bottom and blegh. How would they look once I lost the weight? They’ll never be back where they were 100 pounds ago so what’s the point? That’s a lot of self-doubt for one day, I know.

I’m not posting all of this to elicit sympathy from anyone. Trust me, it’ll be very hard for me to hit that “publish” button once I’m done. I just feel like this struggle is sometimes harder than the struggle of whether or not to eat that cookie. I find it easier now to resist soda than I do to accept myself. As my struggles evolve, so should my blog.

This turmoil that plagued me today not only affected my demeanor, but also my eating and exercise, which was non-existent. Lunch was ok, but for dinner my husband cooked mashed potatoes. Some of you might remember how I had to have a Plan B (and C) for Thanksgiving last year (and I did SO well that day) because mashed potatoes are a great weakness of mine. “Trigger food” if you will. Well, I decided to have a portion of them tonight and it certainly triggered something in me to have more…and more. And then after dinner I had pudding. And nachos. And THREE glasses of sweet tea. (I normally only drink water, with an occasional tea probably once a week, never more than one glass a day, so this was a lot of sugar for me today.)

So yes, I had a rough day. Deep down inside I know I’m capable, it’s just hard sometimes to realize it. I can see the progress I’ve made, not only in pictures, but also in how much I can do now compared to four months ago. I’m able to walk faster and farther. I can jog now. I am in kickboxing. I’m drinking almost 100 oz of water a day on average, and that’s coming from someone who used to drink two 2-liters of Pepsi a day. It’s like my head sees the progress and knows I’m capable but convincing my soul is turning out to be a much more difficult task than I ever thought it would be.

Some days my inner fat girl wins and today was one of those days. I have to keep telling myself that I am capable…that it WILL be worth it…and maybe, just maybe I can reach a point where my inner fat girl doesn’t have a voice anymore – at least not one that has any control in my life.

39.1 miles walked/jogged/ran since January 1st. (2010 Goal: 500)
6.4 miles biked since January 1st. (2010 Goal: 300)
(1) 5K finished since January 1st. (2010 Goal: 12)